а вы говорите, унитаз...
Apr. 24th, 2004 09:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
maryxmasуихихкалась.
злые менструальные анекдоты на английском.
A vampire dies and goes to see God, who asks, "I am going to reincarnate you as an animal. What do you want to be?"
The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."
The vampire is reborn as a bat. One day, it's spotted by a farmer, who takes out his gun and shoots it. God says, "Back so soon? What do you want to be this time?"
The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."
The vampire is reborn as a mosquito and flies around preying on people. One day, one of its victims smacks it and it dies. Annoyed, God says, "You again! You can't be an animal this time, it's too much trouble. I'm going to make you an inanimate object. What do you want to be?"
The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."
God turns him into Kotex with wings.
оттуда же:
Physics teacher: . . . so if the length of the pendulum string is X, and the acceleration due to gravity is g, how long is a period?
Boy: Twenty-eight days.
When do hockey players have sex?
Between periods.
Why do hockey players go to the dressing room between periods?
They need to change their pads.
A black man finds a magic lamp and rubs it. Out pops a genie, and tells the black man he can have three wishes.
He thinks for a while and finally says, "I want to be white, uptight, and out-of-sight."
Poof, he's a tampon!
A young couple was driving through the country and the man asked his girlfriend if they could stop for a little afternoon romance.
The girlfriend said, "We should wait until were married. Besides, I'm on my period and I don't want to kiss a man chewing a plug of tobacco."
Finally the man talked her into it, and they stopped beside the road and wandered into the grassy field. He agreed to take his plug of tobacco out and placed it on a nearby stump. She took off her pad and also placed it on the stump for safe-keeping.
Later, driving down the country road, the young women said, "I don't think we should have done that. My crotch has been burning real bad ever since."
The man said, "I would have to agree. I have been spitting blood the last ten miles."
Woman (to companion): Do you know anything about antiques?
Companion: No, why?
Woman: Because I have this tampon, and I don't know what period it's from!
1.) Why did the blonde jump off the bridge? She thought her maxi-Pad had wings!!
2.) A blonde went to the bathroom and when she came back, she couldn't find her pencil. All she could find was her tampon stuck behind her ear!
Two female elephants are lying by the pool. One says to the other, "Do you want to come for a swim?"
"No, I can't, I've got my period."
"Oh, that's ok, why don't you use a sheep like I do?"
Where would you be if you were not conceived? At the top of a tampon.
Q. What's red and slimy and crawls up a woman's leg?
A. A homesick abortion.
What's red and sits in a tree?
A sanitary owl.
Cleopatra to Marc Antony:
"Not tonight - I have my Pyramid"
Q: What do you call a 6.9?
A: A beautiful thing ruined by a period
Q: What did elephants use to use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Why did the elephants stop using sheep for tampons?
A: They heard about the toxic flock syndrome.
I'll add MENotoxin (a presumed poison in menstrual blood) to the list:
MENtal breakdown
MENace
MENarche
MENdacious
MENingitis
MENtal retardation
MEN!!!
Every day I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard-on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john [toilet]
Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat like toys
You love them much more than we ever will
We'd much rather suck on a cold pickled dill
I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch,
And just 'cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch!
I don't wear the same underwear everyday,
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay. (Not Usually)
Don't burp, don't belch and I certainly don't fart,
Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's the best.
WOULD YOU LOOK AT MY FACE, NOT AT MY CHEST
I don't have a problem
Expressing my feelings
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling .
Don't call me a girl,
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
Get it, you prick?!
There was a young vampire called Mable,
Whose periods were ever so stable,
On every full Moon,
She'd pick up a spoon,
and drink herself under the table.
Ten ways to know if you have PMS:
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he IS male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
It seems two hippies wanted to get married, and somehow figured that the best way to do this was to hire a minister. Well, during the pre-wedding interviews, the poor minister couldn't figure out which one was the woman for their long hair.
Hard as he tried, he just couldn't decide which of the couple was which. So he decided to just come right out and ask.
Very embarrassed, he asked the couple, "Which one of you shave their legs (a very common practice in North America)?" To which they both replied that they didn't.
Next the minister asked simply, "Which of you has the menstrual cycle?" One of the hippies turned to the other, "That must be you, I drive a Honda."
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," the doctor coaxed, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange. . . ."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through the change!"
злые менструальные анекдоты на английском.
A vampire dies and goes to see God, who asks, "I am going to reincarnate you as an animal. What do you want to be?"
The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."
The vampire is reborn as a bat. One day, it's spotted by a farmer, who takes out his gun and shoots it. God says, "Back so soon? What do you want to be this time?"
The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."
The vampire is reborn as a mosquito and flies around preying on people. One day, one of its victims smacks it and it dies. Annoyed, God says, "You again! You can't be an animal this time, it's too much trouble. I'm going to make you an inanimate object. What do you want to be?"
The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."
God turns him into Kotex with wings.
оттуда же:
Physics teacher: . . . so if the length of the pendulum string is X, and the acceleration due to gravity is g, how long is a period?
Boy: Twenty-eight days.
When do hockey players have sex?
Between periods.
Why do hockey players go to the dressing room between periods?
They need to change their pads.
A black man finds a magic lamp and rubs it. Out pops a genie, and tells the black man he can have three wishes.
He thinks for a while and finally says, "I want to be white, uptight, and out-of-sight."
Poof, he's a tampon!
A young couple was driving through the country and the man asked his girlfriend if they could stop for a little afternoon romance.
The girlfriend said, "We should wait until were married. Besides, I'm on my period and I don't want to kiss a man chewing a plug of tobacco."
Finally the man talked her into it, and they stopped beside the road and wandered into the grassy field. He agreed to take his plug of tobacco out and placed it on a nearby stump. She took off her pad and also placed it on the stump for safe-keeping.
Later, driving down the country road, the young women said, "I don't think we should have done that. My crotch has been burning real bad ever since."
The man said, "I would have to agree. I have been spitting blood the last ten miles."
Woman (to companion): Do you know anything about antiques?
Companion: No, why?
Woman: Because I have this tampon, and I don't know what period it's from!
1.) Why did the blonde jump off the bridge? She thought her maxi-Pad had wings!!
2.) A blonde went to the bathroom and when she came back, she couldn't find her pencil. All she could find was her tampon stuck behind her ear!
Two female elephants are lying by the pool. One says to the other, "Do you want to come for a swim?"
"No, I can't, I've got my period."
"Oh, that's ok, why don't you use a sheep like I do?"
Where would you be if you were not conceived? At the top of a tampon.
Q. What's red and slimy and crawls up a woman's leg?
A. A homesick abortion.
What's red and sits in a tree?
A sanitary owl.
Cleopatra to Marc Antony:
"Not tonight - I have my Pyramid"
Q: What do you call a 6.9?
A: A beautiful thing ruined by a period
Q: What did elephants use to use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Why did the elephants stop using sheep for tampons?
A: They heard about the toxic flock syndrome.
I'll add MENotoxin (a presumed poison in menstrual blood) to the list:
MENtal breakdown
MENace
MENarche
MENdacious
MENingitis
MENtal retardation
MEN!!!
Every day I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard-on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john [toilet]
Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat like toys
You love them much more than we ever will
We'd much rather suck on a cold pickled dill
I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch,
And just 'cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch!
I don't wear the same underwear everyday,
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay. (Not Usually)
Don't burp, don't belch and I certainly don't fart,
Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's the best.
WOULD YOU LOOK AT MY FACE, NOT AT MY CHEST
I don't have a problem
Expressing my feelings
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling .
Don't call me a girl,
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
Get it, you prick?!
There was a young vampire called Mable,
Whose periods were ever so stable,
On every full Moon,
She'd pick up a spoon,
and drink herself under the table.
Ten ways to know if you have PMS:
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he IS male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
It seems two hippies wanted to get married, and somehow figured that the best way to do this was to hire a minister. Well, during the pre-wedding interviews, the poor minister couldn't figure out which one was the woman for their long hair.
Hard as he tried, he just couldn't decide which of the couple was which. So he decided to just come right out and ask.
Very embarrassed, he asked the couple, "Which one of you shave their legs (a very common practice in North America)?" To which they both replied that they didn't.
Next the minister asked simply, "Which of you has the menstrual cycle?" One of the hippies turned to the other, "That must be you, I drive a Honda."
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," the doctor coaxed, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange. . . ."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through the change!"
